Supporting Children with a Persistent Drive for Autonomy (PDA)
Three Key Strategies
to supporting children who value autonomy above all else!
Children with a Persistent Drive for Autonomy (PDA) or also known as Pathological Demand Avoidance thrive in environments where they feel a sense of control and collaboration.
Traditional approaches that rely on direct demands or perceived threat of losing access to anything often lead to resistance and distress.
Instead, based on personal and professional experience, it is best to start shifting towards using strategies that foster independence, choice, and engagement.
With this mindset shift, you can create a supportive and empowering environment for your child or client.
Here are three highly effective strategies to help children who value autonomy feel respected and motivated to participate in daily activities.
1. Switch to Declarative Language
What It Is: Declarative language focuses on making statements rather than giving direct commands. It invites children to process information and take ownership of their actions, reducing pressure and resistance for both parties involved.
Examples:
Instead of saying, “Put on your shoes now,” try, “Hmm, I wonder what we need before we go outside?”
Rather than, “You need to sit down,” try, “It looks like that chair is super comfy.”
Instead of “Finish your food,” say, “Wow, your pasta is almost gone! I wonder what the last bite will taste like?”
Why It Works: Declarative language removes the feeling of control being taken away. It allows the child to process and respond in their own way, reducing stress and increasing engagement. It also encourages natural curiosity and problem-solving.
If you accidentally find yourself asking questions that require an answer or making a demand that you know they are not ready for, you can apologize and just rephrase. This is a learning process so be patient!
2. Collaborative Problem-Solving
What It Is: Rather than enforcing rules or making unilateral decisions, this approach invites the child into a conversation where they can be part of the solution. This respects their autonomy while still working towards a desired outcome.
Dr. Ross Greene has many great resources on this topic to help facilitate these discussions in more depth.
Examples:
Instead of, “It’s bedtime. Get ready now,” try, “It seems like getting ready for bed feels tricky tonight. What’s one thing we could do to make it easier?”
Rather than, “Stop playing and do your homework,” try, “You really want to keep playing, and I understand that. I wonder how can we find a way to fit in both homework and play?”
Instead of, “You have to wear a jacket,” say, “It’s pretty chilly outside. What’s something we can do to stay warm?”
Why It Works: Children with a strong drive for autonomy often resist feeling controlled. Collaborative problem-solving acknowledges their perspective and invites them to contribute to decisions. This fosters cooperation rather than compliance. It can be helpful to do this collaborative problem solving before the actual event as to avoid doing it in the heat of the moment, especially if it is a consistent battle most days (e.g., screen transitions).
3. Using Indirect or Playful Invitations
What It Is: Instead of issuing direct demands, frame tasks as a choice, a challenge, or a game. This shifts the focus from “having to do something” to “wanting to engage.”
Examples:
Instead of, “Pick up your toys,” say, “I wonder if we can find all the blue blocks before the timer runs out!”
Rather than, “Put on your pajamas,” try, “I bet I can put my pajamas on before you do!”
Instead of, “Brush your teeth,” say, “Do you want to use the blue toothbrush or the green one tonight?”
Why It Works: Playfulness reduces the perception of demands. Giving choices allows the child to feel in control, and making it fun encourages engagement without pressure.
When doing this, keeping tone of voice playful and fun, ensuring you are in now rush and be patient. You may have to wait for the child to engage and allow a pause of 30 seconds no talking before making another statement or trying again.
Incorporating These Strategies at Bedtime
Bedtime can be particularly challenging for children with a Persistent Drive for Autonomy, as it often involves structured routines and transitions that feel restrictive regardless of how little pressure you put on it. Here’s are some ways to integrate these strategies for a smoother and more cooperative bedtime:
Declarative Language: Instead of saying, “Time to brush your teeth,” try, “I wonder what we need to do before our teeth feel super clean?” This invites them to think about the next step rather than feeling forced into it.
Collaborative Problem-Solving: If a child resists bedtime, involve them in the routine design. “It looks like bedtime is tricky tonight. What’s one thing we could change to make it easier?” This gives them some control over the process and will allow you to hear their concerns.
Playful Invitations: Turn bedtime tasks into a game. “Let’s see if we can make the pyjamas race fun—who can get theirs on first?” or “Would you like to read your book in bed or on the couch first?” Offering choices minimizes resistance and helps them feel more in charge. Depending on how the day has gone, choices may be helpful or perceived as a demand. If there is no response to the choice, just restate it as a declarative statement (e.g., “I wonder if the couch or the floor would be bette for books tonight”).
Final Thoughts
Supporting children with a Persistent Drive for Autonomy requires a shift in communication and expectations. By using declarative language, collaborative problem-solving, and playful invitations, we can create a supportive environment where children feel respected and motivated. These strategies help build trust, strengthen relationships, and reduce stress, making daily interactions more positive for everyone involved.
If you're looking for guidance on implementing these strategies or need personalized support, our team at Your Behaviour Gal Consulting Inc. is here to help!
Nicole
More resources!
https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/i-am-a-parent-carer/resources/helpful-approaches-for-children/
This article does not constitute medical advice. Consult your sleep specialist provider for direct support to help implement these strategies and rule out possible medical considerations as well as individualize supports to you and your family.