How to Build your Child’s Confidence to Fall Asleep Independently
Let’s Dive into Teaching Independent sleep!
I am sharing the top 2 strategies for teaching this skill!
You are likely here because you want to know if you can truly teach your child how to fall asleep on their own.
Not all families want to move toward independent sleep and that is okay. Co-sleeping is common and if everyone is sleeping that is exactly what we want.
However, if your child’s sleep difficulties is interfering with your sleep, your relationships and your own time to take care of you then that may be when you want to start building skills to teach independent sleep.
Common questions and comments I receive from parents who are stuck in trying to teach their child to fall asleep are:
“We tried sleep training, it didn’t work.”
“When should we teach independent sleep?”
“Can sleep training cause separation anxiety?”
“What sleep training method should I use”
“What is sleep training or what is sleep teaching?”
“How can I make bedtime easier and get back time for myself?”
All great questions and if you google them, it will be hard to figure out what is the strategic approach that will work for you and your family.
That is why I have created this blog to share. I am opening up the vault and sharing the top TWO tried and true methods that I have supported countless families in implementing. These strategies can really help with teaching your child to learn the skill of falling asleep independently.
But first, let’s put in a disclaimer: this post is meant to be informative and for best results, direct support from a sleep specialist is recommended. Children may respond differently than expected and/or there may be other reasons why they have difficulty falling asleep. All information is based on populations ages 2 and up. For infant sleep you will want to check out an infant sleep specialist as their sleep is very different!
First Step: Collect some Data!
Data collection is the foundation to optimal sleep support! Through signing up for our mailing list you can receive a FREE PDF for data collection. Click here for the PDF!
When collecting Data you want to look at what time does my child typically fall asleep over 7-10 days. This will help you understand what their natural body clock time is.
Next you want to look at wake up time. If it is is inconsistent, start making it more consistent each day. This will help increase predictability of time to fall asleep at night!
Second: Adjust Bedtime Routine
With the data you collected, create a 1-2 hour bedtime routine that includes 1:1 connection time, dimming the lights 2 hours before bed and calming activities leading up to the bid goodnight. In this example, the child is likely to fall asleep around 8:45pm as they are tired. Keeping activities low stress to reduce any cortisol spikes and increase connection before bed helps to decrease motivation to seek out parent attention when it is time for sleep.
An example of this may be:
6:30pm: Dim the light, watch a show, last snack
7:00-8:00pm: quiet calm activities with caregivers (e.g., puzzles, board games, coloring, kinetic sand, etc.).
8:00-8:30: PJs, teeth, bed for books.
8:45pm say goodnight and snuggle until child falls asleep (stay tuned for fading).
For neurodivergent children, changes in routines may be more challenging. Preloading the change, communicating and collaborating with them about this change may be a helpful strategy. Use of visual schedules may also be helpful.
During client support calls, we review this together to ensure that timing is accurate and help you prepare for any barriers that may get in the way of a connection-filled and calming bedtime routine.
Third: Fading your presence when they fall asleep.
If you think about it. Your child has required your physical presence for falling asleep since they were in the womb. Sleeping without that presence is something they may have never learned or experienced. Supporting them through this at their pace is important.
When supporting clients, we use many proactive strategies to help reduce any emotional discomfort the child may feel. Bringing the child into the discussion when possible and responding to their emotional needs is crucial to setting this up for success.
The first strategy that has been a helpful one for children that are highly anxious is supporting them through the use of distance fading.
By fading your distance from the bed and physical proximity of the child we can start to develop new sleep dependencies and stimulus control around the bed (bed & pillow & stuffy is all I need to fall asleep) and slowly increase the child’s confidence in falling asleep without parent touch or visual required.
Here is a brief description of the steps involved:
Start bedtime routine and schedule goodnight for about 15-30 minutes later than typical bedtime to ensure sleep pressure is high and your child is likely to fall asleep.
Fade your physical presence at a rate that works for you and your child. This may be moving from being in the bed to being next to the bed.
Once you say goodnight, keep attention minimal to allow for child to fall asleep. If they attempt to gain your attention remind them it is time for sleep. Trust that you will remain there will take a few nights.
After a couple of nights in the new location, fade further away. Again this is at your pace. For some client’s it has been as simple as hand on back, to finger touching side, etc. We are wanting to support the child in feeling confident with these changes and their ability to fall asleep.
To help with your timing, really ensuring your bedtime routine and your wake time are consistent. They can become a bit more flexible once the child becomes more confident.
Troubleshooting always happens for this once it is time to leave the bedroom. Some children have difficulty trusting you are still there if they cannot see you. If your child has not quite developed the skill of understanding just because they cannot see something doesn’t mean it is not there than supporting them in developing this skill may be helpful to fully fade yourself out of sight.
Another strategy that is commonly used and can be used with the distance fading procedure is the Time-Based-Visiting protocol. I also call this the Be-Right-Back method.
This strategy works for children who understand the concept of be right back and trust that the parent will return. The good news, if they do not know this skill yet this procedure can teach them and you can practice this during the day!
I have had parents of client’s individualize this procedure and introduce some flexibility into the timing of it. This explanation is an example.
The benefits of this procedure is that it is a bit quicker than the distance fading and teaches the child the confidence that they can stay in their room, they are safe and that a parent will return to check on them until they fall asleep. This can seem like trickery for some kids. So if you feel your child will be annoyed by this, then being transparent with them about how you are helping them “practice” being in their own room on their own may be helpful.
Here is a brief description of the steps involved:
Schedule your start time for your intervals 15-30 minutes later than the typical time to fall asleep (use that Data for extreme accuracy!!).
Start the visits. You may start as low as 1s or a couple feet away from the door. Based on your child’s trust levels of you leaving the room will depend on the starting interval. I usually review this with clients.
If they stay in their bed, return and give lots of genuine praise. Remember you are wanting to teach them to stay in their bed. If they fall asleep during these intervals that is a bonus (they will as they increase).
On the next trip out, increase the interval if they successfully stay in their bed. Slowly increasing at first and moving into longer intervals (e.g., 1 second out of the door, 5s, 15s, etc.). Some families I have supported we have gone up to over 50 trips. The first night is longer, but trust that this will start to work!
If the child gets out of their bed. That is okay. This is a great learning opportunity, returning them to their bed, reminding them to stay in bed and you will be right back. If they are upset, taking time to settle them back into their bed will be important. Once calm, introduce the next trip, going back to the starting place (e.g., 1 second) and work your way back up.
For both procedures, risks are that the child may become upset and you may see an increase in upset behaviours. Change is not comfortable for anyone and especially at bedtime. As the caregiver, it is important to remain calm, comforting and supportive throughout the process. Using the proactive strategies (e.g., visual schedules, discussion about the change, new bedtime routine, adjustment of bedtime) this can help reduce the likelihood of upset. When your child trusts that what you say is what you mean over a few nights you will likely see anxiety come down.
Teaching your child to fall asleep independently is slow and strategic work and requires a lot of calm and patience from the teachers (i.e., parents).
Learning a new skill takes time and will not likely occur in one night, especially learning to falling asleep independently.
If you are feeling stuck or unsure of where to start with this then I am here!
I support families with this regularly and would be happy to help guide you through this as best I can! If you run into any difficulty, do not hesitate to reach out and book a call.
Nicole
This article does not constitute medical advice. Consult your sleep specialist provider for direct support to help implement these strategies and rule out possible medical considerations as well as individualize supports to you and your family.